Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The ass gains better be worth it
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