Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
