Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
