Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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