im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
