She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
