you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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