My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
