I puked a lego.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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