I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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