Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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