I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
