You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
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I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid