How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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