He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
