Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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