I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
