I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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