I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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