Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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