you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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