First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
