You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize