i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i think i just lost a toe
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
