my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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