worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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