I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
