I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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