All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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