I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
