I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
