mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
