She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
