The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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