my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
