Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
