Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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