god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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