There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I touched a dick in church today
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
