So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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