so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
