My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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