Only a mothe r could love this liver
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
