well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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