i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
