you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
