She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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