Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
