My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Randomize
