Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
