Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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