What did we do last night that was yellow?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
