sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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