She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
