Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
