Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
