so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
