he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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