that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
