People in love make me want to vomit
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
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I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
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Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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