I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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