You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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